Sunday, December 14, 2008
i guess it's time to come straight on this.im not on very good terms with my family members.
sure, i talk joke and laugh with them. but at the end of the day it's like a very diplomatic relationship. i don't tell them much about myself. in fact, i will be quite surprised if they know what's going on in my life.
among themselves, they are not very close either. the environment is just like a fucking time bomb waiting to explode. my dad frequently quarrels with my mum, my brother frequently quarrels with both parents. big, occasionally violent, quarrels. smashed furniture. shouting and screaming loud enough for neighbours to come over to make sure everything is alright.
i wish i had a family so much more cohesive and in harmony. i envy my friends who have very close families, who take neoprints together, go out for dinner together, tell all their secrets to one another. i envy my cousins who are able to turn up for gatherings with everyone in tow.
i have a family who never shows up together during cny, wedding dinners, grandparents' birthdays, etc.
but i still love my family very much, although sometimes things seem to be the contrary. i guess it's the way i choose to run away from it, rather than face it and try to make it better.
but i hate my brother. i have a brother who attempts to punch his own father. shout vulgarities at his own parents. screams in their face for the family to rot. scolds my mother vulgarites in public, at a wedding dinner no less, when she only told him to dress better instead of wearing old and broken shoes. thinks only for himself, never for others, although he will never see it that way. he will always see himself as the selfless, misunderstood genius, never hesitating to verbally assault anyone who disagrees with him on any slightest thing.
last night i wasn't at home. i was out staying over at a friend's house. i don't know what happened, but my dad told me there was a huge quarrel between my mum and my brother. my brother was trembling with anger. my mom cried so hard she couldnt breathe properly.
in essence, that was what i understood from my dad who was there. he refused to say anything else and claimed he did not know what happened.
but what family keeps it's own secrets from it's own members?
i love my mother most. but i have no ability to defend her, or my father, from my brother. not when after all that abuse, they still love him like i can never. they call for me to live with him in harmony. but i can't.
i cannot do it when he has hurt people i love so deeply.
and yet i can do nothing. i don't know what to do, and how to do it.
but i cannot run anymore. i won't. i will stand by my parents. my mother. because they are dear to me. and if i love them, it means i can be prepared for circumstances to fuck the carefully ordered life i have so cautiously built up to wall my family out of my life.
so i will not run.
and it has taken me so long, to realise what a fucking lousy son i have been.
all this while, i am the one who has living in my own world. now that this bubble has burst, perhaps i can finally wake to reality.
perhaps all this while, in choosing to run from this family whenever it broke up, bit by bit, i caused it to really break to this stage, now.
so this is a promise to myself, to my mother, that i will do all i can to treat this family better. to not run away again. to stand by my mother.
im sorry, mum. by Dan 12:08 AM